In short: the starting rule is simple: a debt belongs to whoever signed it. Getting married doesn't automatically turn one person's debt into both people's debt, but how you're married or registered and how you sign change which assets can be reached. If you both sign and the debt is joint and several, the lender can go after either of you for the whole amount. First get organized (one list with everything), then decide how to pay, and if you can't keep up, talk to the lender early. For a specific case, talk to a lawyer.
The starting rule
A contract generally binds the people who signed it, and a person who owes money is responsible for it with their own assets. That's true whether or not they're in a relationship. What varies is which assets count as "their own," and that depends on the rules where you live and on your legal status as a couple. Check them for your situation.
Whose debt is it
| Situation | Who is generally on the hook |
|---|---|
| Debt in one partner's name only | That partner. The other didn't sign, so in principle isn't responsible, but local rules can change this, especially if you're married or in a registered partnership |
| Debt in one partner's name, and you're married | Depends on your marital property rules where you live: which assets can be reached, and whether shared assets can be |
| Debt you both signed | Both of you. Whether each owes only their share or the whole amount depends on the contract (see below) |
| Cosigner or guarantor | The person who guaranteed the loan is responsible if the borrower doesn't pay. What the lender must try first, and what the guarantor can demand, depends on the contract and local rules |
These are general orientation, not a legal answer. The rules differ a lot between states and countries, and between married couples, registered partners, and couples who are neither.
If you both sign: joint liability
Whether each of you owes only your share, or the whole amount, depends on the contract and the law where you live. Look for wording like "jointly and severally." If the debt is joint and several, the lender can claim the entire debt from either of you. Between the two of you, if one pays more than their share, the best thing is to agree in writing that the other will pay it back.
Example. Blue (the whale, $2,800 take-home a month) and Orange (the penguin, $1,600) take out a $6,000 loan together with a payment of $250 a month. Split in proportion, Blue pays $159 and Orange pays $91. In both cases that's 5.7% of their pay. But if the contract is joint and several and Orange stops paying, the bank can ask Blue for the full $250.
Another case. Orange is carrying $4,800 of debt from before the relationship. It's Orange's. Blue can help, but write down whether it's a gift or a loan. Whatever you agree between you, put it in writing.
Where to start
- Each of you makes your own list: lender, who signed, balance remaining, APR, payment, and end date.
- Put the lists together and label each debt as mine, yours, or ours.
- Essentials first. Housing, utilities, and food before the rest.
- Among the others, start with the highest APR: it's the one that costs you the most. Compare loans by APR (the annual percentage rate) rather than the nominal interest rate, which leaves out fees.
- Set a ceiling. A common rule of thumb is to keep total debt payments to around 35-40% of income. With $2,800 and $1,600 ($4,400), that would be between $1,540 and $1,760 a month together. It's a reference point, not a legal rule.
- Agree how the shared part is split, for example in proportion to what each of you earns (63.6% and 36.4%), and what happens if one of you can't pay.
- Don't take out another loan to cover one without comparing APRs first.
If you can't keep up
Talk to the lender as early as you can, be honest, and don't promise what you can't deliver. Renegotiating changes the terms of the loan, while restructuring replaces it with new loans. Stretching the term to lower the payment can increase the total interest. If the loan has cosigners or guarantors, the lender may go after them. If there's no way at all for you to pay, some places offer legal debt-relief or insolvency procedures for people acting in good faith. That's a job for a lawyer.
How to talk about it without blame
- "I want us to look at this together, not to find someone to blame."
- "First the list; the decisions come after."
- "This debt is mine and I'm going to pay it. Can we talk about how it affects what's ours?"
- "If anything changes, we talk about it before the payment is due."
One more thing: if someone dies, ask a lawyer how debts are handled before accepting an inheritance. The rules vary, and in some places there are ways to limit what you're responsible for.
General information, not financial, tax, or legal advice. For your specific situation, talk to a professional.